I love you, Billy.
I love you too, Mommy.
Night-night.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
I'll see you in the morning light.
I love you.
They're going to make me an assistant art director. So Kenny says:
"You get yourself a Burberry coat.
If you're gonna be Madison Avenue, you have to look it."
Saturday afternoon, I go out, and it's cold.
I go to this place that specializes in Burberrys...
...and say, " I want a Burberry coat, 37 short."
They put it on, and I look beautiful in it.
I say, " I'll buy it."
And right then, I start to sweat.
I take my checkbook out, start to sign the check, and my hand shakes...
...because I'm so scared.
- Good night. - Where you going?
- I gotta get home. - Oh, Jesus, I gotta go.
Okay, so let me finish.
So I sign it, and my hand starts shaking...
Who is this? Danny, right? Taxi!
- Come on, I gotta tell you something. - I can't. I gotta get home.
Gotta talk to you about something important.
I'm putting you in charge of the Mid-Atlantic account.
By the end of the year, we'll have them up to 10 million.
If this campaign works out the way I know it will...
...they'll offer me a partnership.
That's terrific!
When that happens, I just want you to know I'm taking you along.
Wow! Wow! That's terrific.
Joanna.
I'm home.
I forgot my keys. I gotta call the office before they go.
Jo, you're gonna be real proud of me. I got good news.
- Ted. - One second. Let me just do this.
You know Jack Edwards in accounting? He committed suicide.
Yeah, hi. Ted Kramer.
I gotta get those photos from the retoucher by tomorrow morning.
- I'm leaving you. - Honey, please. I can't hear.
Okay, you too. Thanks a lot. See you tomorrow.
Did you guys eat?
I'm leaving you.
Here are my keys.
Here's my American Express, my Bloomingdale's card...
...my checkbook. I've taken $2000 out of our savings account.
That's what I had when we got married.
- Is this a joke? - Here's the cleaning, laundry ticket.
You can pick them both up on Saturday.
- You. You have to pick them up. - What's wrong?
I paid the rent, the Con Ed bill, and the phone bill, so...
You really pick your times to...
I'm sorry I was late, but I was busy making a living, all right?
Come on, okay? Can we stop now?
So that's everything.
Enough, enough. All right?
What are you doing?
Where are you going? Just tell me what I did that's so terrible.
- It's not you. - Then what?
It's me. It's my fault.
You married the wrong person.
- I can't hack it. - Let's just go inside.
I can't, I tried. I swear...
Joanna, please, just... I'm sorry.
- No, please don't make me go in there. - I just want to talk.
If you do, I swear, one day...
...l'll go right out the window. - Oh, please.
Come on, now. What about Billy?
I'm not taking him with me. I'm no good for him.
I'm terrible with him.
I have no patience.
He's better off without me.
Joanna, please.
And I don't love you anymore.
- Where are you going? - I don't know.
Hi, Margaret. This is Ted. Is my wife there?
Yeah. Joanna come in?
We had a little fight. I thought she might have stopped by.
If she comes in, tell her to come up or just give me a ring.
Don't worry. She didn't take her suitcase. She won't get very far.
I got work to do. If she comes in, tell her to call me.
It's about time.
Joanna, that's the most insensitive... Hi, Margaret.
- She packed a suitcase? - Look, it's nothing serious, really.
She tell you where she was going?
- You tell me. - How would I know? I wasn't here.
Clearly, you two had many talks about my shortcomings...
...which I haven't been privy to. And I'd love to talk...
...but I have a major presentation in the morning...
...and I gotta get my work done. So please allow me...
You don't realize we have a serious problem.
Wrong. Me. I got the problem. All you gotta do is...
...go out the door and go back to bed.
- The fact is... - For six months...
...l've been spitting blood to get this agency its biggest account.
And at five, we got it.
At eight, the vice president tells me I'll be the next creative director.
I come through this door to share with my wife...
...one of the five best days of my life, and she looks at me...
...and tells me she doesn't want to live with me!
Can't you understand what she's done to me?
She loused up one of the five best days of your life.
You're terrific. Boy, you're...
Thanks very much, really.
Sisterhood.
Thank you for coming to cheer me up, but...
I didn't come to cheer you up.
I'm concerned about Joanna.
Maybe you can be concerned in the privacy of your own apartment.
Joanna and I never had any problems until you and Charley split up.
Oh, I don't believe you.
Just tell me the truth, okay?
Did you set her up to this?
No, I didn't put her up to this.
- Give her a little pep talk? - No, I didn't.
Joanna and I talk a great deal.
And Joanna is a very unhappy woman.
And it took a lot of courage for her to walk out of here.
How much courage does it take to walk out on your kid?
Where's Mommy?
- What? - Where's Mommy?
What time is it?
The little hand's on the 7, the big hand's on the 9. Where's Mommy?
Oh, God. Okay, I'm gonna tell you. You want to know where Mommy is?
- She's supposed to take me to school. - She told me to do it.
Okay, I'll tell you where she went.
You know when you and your friends don't get along and fight?
And you want to go and be alone for a while?
Sometimes Mommy and Daddy don't get along...
...and one of them wants to go and be by themselves for a while.
- When is Mommy coming back? - Soon.
Now we are gonna have breakfast! Okay? Just you and me.
- What do you want? - French toast.
You want French toast, you got it.
Put up a little water for Daddy to have some coffee.
We got how many eggs? Two for you and two for me.
We got milk.
We got butter.
We got $5.
I got $5. Here, you sit here.
Okay, can you be my number one helper?
Watch this. One hand.
Here we go.
Did you know that all the best chefs are men?
Isn't this terrific? We gotta do this more often.
- You dropped some shell in it. - That's okay.
Makes it crunchier. You like it crunchy, don't you?
Why don't you beat them, and I'll get everything else going.
- What time is school? - 8:30.
Gotta get the show on the road. I gotta shower, shave and shampoo.
I got people to see.
And Daddy's gotta bring home the bacon...
...and he's gotta cook it.
We're having a good time! Where does Mommy keep the...?
- In the stove. - The pan. The stove.
First, we need a nice fire.
No, you're not doing it right.
Look, you gotta do it fast. See? It's the wrist.
So the gucky part dissolves.
Then you take the bread, and we...
We...
We fold the French toast. That's what we do.
- I think you forgot milk. - I didn't. Milk comes last.
When you're having a good time you forget things.
I just wanted to see if you're paying attention.
Fun, isn't it? When's the last time Mommy let you in the kitchen?
I don't like it in pieces.
It tastes the same whether it's in pieces or whole. Bread is bread.
Besides, French toast is always folded.
In the best restaurants, you see folded French toast.
You get more bites that way.
And while that's going, Daddy's gonna make coffee.
You having a good time?
I don't remember the last time I had such a good time.
Daddy's gonna make himself coffee.
- That's too much! - No, I like it strong.
Mommy always makes it too weak.
Can I have some orange juice?
Right. One OJ coming up for the kid.
Daddy, it's burning!
- What? - It's burning!
Damn it! Goddamn her!
Oh, shit.
Just take it easy. Everything is fine. We're terrific.
Just...
Just take it easy. Nothing is the matter.
- What? - Your hand's sweaty.
- When's Mommy coming back? - Soon. I told you.
- Is she gonna pick me up? - Probably. If she doesn't, I will.
- What if you forget? - I won't.
- What if you get run over? - Mommy will pick you up.
- Miss! What grade are you in? - First.
This is Billy Kramer. He's in first grade.
Take care of him. I gotta get a taxi, I'm late. Taxi!
Taxi!
- Congratulations about Mid-Atlantic. - Thanks.
- Congratulations. - Is the stuff back from the retoucher?
- Great news, Ted. - Thanks a lot.
Morning. 11:00, meeting with Airwick...
- Where's the stuff from the retoucher? - Right here.
- Did my wife call? - No.
You're gonna have to cancel the Airwick at 11:30.
She's never gone this far before, but in the past...
...l've known when she's upset because...
...she gets very quiet.
Our pattern has been that I've said, "What's the matter?"...
...and she'll kind of sit on it.
But in the last few weeks, maybe couple of months...
...since we've been going crazy with this account, I've been remiss.
And I just didn't look at the writing on the wall, so she's kind of...
I think this is a way of making me stop, look and say:
" I'm as important as your work."
Is there another guy?
I don't think so. She's not the type.
She's got this friend, Margaret, downstairs...
...you know, women's lib. I think they may have cooked this up.
It worked.
I'm going crazy!
Look, not to worry.
She'll be back.
I didn't know it would happen to me!
Don't let it get you down.
I know she'll be back. I'm terrific, really.
- You do have a problem, Ted. - Yeah, what's that?
What are you gonna do about Billy?
This just happened last night. I'm sure when Joanna comes back...
It's none of my business. I'll butt out.
Listen, I want to hear your thoughts.
I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.
May sound a little rough, but...
...I think you ought to send Billy away to stay with relatives for a while.
You mean, until Joanna comes back?
Suppose Joanna doesn't come back?
Gee, I don't know...
Ted, listen to me.
I just told the boys upstairs you're handling the Mid-Atlantic account.
You know? A gig like that comes along once every five, six years.
There's guys here eating their hearts out because I gave that spot to you.
This is important. Don't blow this.
I gotta depend on you. I gotta count on you for 110 percent...
...7 days a week, 24 hours a day. I gotta have that.
I can't be concerned about you worrying about a kid.
First, you can count on me 25 hours a day, 8 days a week.
Because I'm not a loser, Jim.
I never let anything at home come into the office.
You asked me to unload in this office.
When I go outside, I'm on top of it. I want you to know that.
I'm a survivor.
You've given me a shot here. I'm not gonna let anything blow it.
Okay?
Let's have a drink later. I'm all right. I gotta...
...blow smoke up Airwick's ass, 11:00.
I'm all right!
You don't worry.
Thank you.
I love you, you bastard.
Daddy?
Yeah, honey, just wait a second. I just want to finish this idea.
Let me get this copy done, and then I'll talk.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.
Honey, please... I just got this sentence.
Daddy! Daddy!
Goddamn it! Goddamn it!
Get over there and sit on that couch and don't move!
I knew this was gonna happen! I knew it!
Who told you not to drink this stuff here?
- Sorry. - Yeah, you're sorry.
Told you to keep that juice in the dining room!
Sorry.
Who took you to the park, gave you everything you wanted?
- Who bought you an ice cream? - You.
And who promised Daddy that when we got home, you'd let him work?
- That's ruined. I can't fix that. - Sorry.
It's past your bedtime. Why don't you go to sleep?
And brush your teeth and flush the toilet.
- Paper towels. What else? - We need detergent.
All right.
No, Mommy buys the kind with the orange circles on it.
- There's no difference. - Mom said it was the best.
- Let's go. - Get the pink stuff.
All right, come on.
Okay. That's it.
We need some cereal.
Okay, what colour?
Hey, Billy!
Billy! Told you Mommy would write before the week was up.
- When is she coming back? - That's what we're gonna find out now.
Okay. Let's read it.
" My dearest, sweet Billy."
That's you.
" Mommy has gone away.
Sometimes in the world...
...daddies go away...
...and mommies bring up their little boys.
But sometimes, a mommy can go away too...
...and you have your daddy to bring you up.
I have gone away because I must find...
...something interesting to do for myself in the world.
Everybody has to, and so do I.
Being your mommy was one thing, but there are other things too...
...and this is what I have to do.
I did not get a chance to tell you this...
...and that is why I'm writing you now.
I will always be your mommy...
...and I will always love you.
I just won't be your mommy in the house...
...but I'll be your mommy at the heart.
And now I must go and be the person I have to be."
We'll read this another time.
I don't care.
- Good night, Jim. - Come on in.
- Have a drink. - I can't, I'm late now.
What's the rush? We're having a party for Norman. Five years here.
Can you believe it?
Wish I could, but I'm late. I gotta pick up Billy.
You know Jerry Hoover, in media?
Tell you something funny.
Gotta go. See you Monday.
Taxi!
- Here, keep the change. - Thanks.
Hi, Mrs. Kline. I'm sorry I'm late.
That's all right, but Billy is upset.
Hey, how's it going, sport?
I had a little trouble getting away from the office.
Sorry. Come on, let's get going.
Thanks for coming, Billy. Oh, wait a minute.
- Don't forget your goody bag. - Thanks very much.
- Bye. - Thanks a lot.
- So, did you have a lot of fun? - You're late.
- I'm not that late. Only 20 minutes. - Want to bet?
All the other mothers were there before you.
Why are you making such a big deal of it? There was traffic.
If you want to be a big boy...
...you learn that when somebody says they're sorry...
...you don't hold a grudge and make them feel bad for...
...a long time afterwards.
Okay, go ahead.
Don't eat with your fingers. Come on, Billy.
You know better than that. Here.
Use a fork.
Come on, come on. Sit up, sit up, sit up.
How was school today?
Same as usual.
I see the Knicks finally won a game.
I don't care.
What do you mean?
- I like Boston. - Boston? Why do you like Boston?
Because Mommy's from Boston.
Sit up and try to eat. Come on.
Can I be excused? I want to go to bed.
Too much birthday cake?
Yeah, I guess.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Louise, give me a hand.
You're 15 minutes late.
- Mr. O'Connor is very upset. - This all of it?
- Yes. Do you want your mail now? - No, just give me the messages.
Remind me to get a Crying Chrissie doll at lunch.
Okay, okay.
Sorry I'm late.
And there's a PTA meeting at the school on Tuesday at 4.
Right, thanks.
Put the chicken in the refrigerator.
Know who Charley's seeing now?
Who?
A divorced woman with two little girls the same age as Kim and Petey.
- Are you kidding? - No.
How do you know?
I know.
How long has it been since you two broke up?
Year and a half.
That long?
Did I ever tell you how sorry...
...how sad Joanna and I were when you guys split?
Look at that cute little boy over there.
You think you'll ever get married again?
- I mean, to anybody. - No.
Why?
Maybe it's different if you don't have children, but...
...even if Charley and I aren't living together, and even if we're...
...sleeping with other people, even if he were to get married again...
...he's still my husband...
...and he's still the father of my children and...
That stuff about "till death do you part," that's really true.
Let's say Charley finishes his midlife crisis...
...he's had it with his flings and comes asking for forgiveness.
What would you do?
I think that if he really loved me...
...he wouldn't have let me divorce him.
You still think about him, don't you?
Only all the time.
- Think about Joanna? - Never.
Liar.
Some pair, boy.
I don't believe it.
- You missed the closing. - I'm sorry.
Look, I gotta tell you something. I'm getting very nervous here.
Ever since your wife left you. Is it eight months now?
You're not getting any better.
What do you mean?
Look, I can't let your family problems interfere with my responsibilities.
I got a shop to run.
I regret it, and I promise you it will never happen again.
Okay?
Yeah?
Yeah, wait a minute.
- It's for you, pick up 461. - Who is it?
Pick up 461.
Yeah?
Oh, hi, Billy. What's up?
No, one hour of television a day. That's the rule.
No.
I don't care what the other mothers do, Billy. We made a deal.
I can't talk now. I'm busy.
We will talk about it tonight when I get home, all right?
Double chocolate chip. I remember.
I'm getting very nervous.
Put that down and eat your dinner.
What is this crap?
- It's Salisbury steak. - I hate it.
You had it last week and you loved it.
No, I didn't. I hate the brown stuff. It's gross.
- It's onions and gravy. - I'm allergic to onions.
You are not. You had this last week...
...and I said it was my favourite and you said, " It's my favourite too."
- I did not. - Yes, you did.
It's regular hamburger.
Take a bite. It's delicious.
What's the matter?
I'm gonna throw up.
- No, you're not. - It's yucky.
It is not yucky, Billy. Eat it.
Did you bring the chocolate chip ice cream home?
Yes, I brought the chocolate chip ice cream home...
...and you can't have it until you eat all your dinner...
Where are you going? Get back here now.
Did you hear me?
You'd better not do that.
You'd better stop right there. I'm warning you.
Did you hear me?
Now, you listen to me. Don't be smart.
Put that back until you finish your dinner.
If you take one bite out of that, you're in trouble.
Don't you dare. Don't you dare do that.
You hear me? Hold it right there.
You put that ice cream in your mouth and you are in very big trouble.
Don't you dare go anywhere beyond that. Put it down.
I am not going to say it again. I am not going to say it again.
You're hurting me!
Don't you kick me.
- I hate you! - You're no bargain either, pal.
You are a spoiled little brat!
- I hate you! - I hate you back, you little shit!
- I want my mommy! - I'm all you've got.
I want my mommy!
Mommy...
Daddy?
- Yeah? - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
I want you to go to sleep because it's really late.
Daddy?
Now what is it?
Are you going away?
No.
I'm staying here with you. You can't get rid of me that easy.
That's why Mommy left, isn't it? Because I was bad?
Is that what you think?
No.
That's not it, Billy. Your mom loves you very much...
...and the reason she left has nothing to do with you.
I don't know if this will make sense, but I'll try to explain it to you.
I think the reason why Mommy left...
...was because for a long time...
...I kept trying to make her be a certain kind of person.
A certain kind of wife that I thought she was supposed to be.
And she just wasn't like that. She was...
She just wasn't like that.
I think that she tried for so long to make me happy...
...and when she couldn't, she tried to talk to me about it.
But I wasn't listening. I was too busy, too wrapped up...
...just thinking about myself.
And I thought that anytime I was happy, she was happy.
But I think underneath she was very sad.
Mommy stayed here longer than she wanted because she loves you so much.
And the reason why Mommy couldn't stay anymore...
...was because she couldn't stand me.
She didn't leave because of you. She left because of me.
Go to sleep now because it's really late, okay?
Good night.
- Sleep tight. - Don't let the bedbugs bite.
See you in the morning light.
- Daddy? - Yeah?
I love you.
I love you too.
- Ladies and gentlemen... - Ladies and gentlemen...
...welcome to our Halloween Pageant.
- With gruesome goblins. - With gruesome goblins.
And ghostly ghosts.
And wicked witches and spooky spooks.
Tom, you and I both know it's a violation of privacy laws.
Look, it doesn't make any difference. It's name or likeness.
I don't care. Tell them if they want it, they have to pay for it.
All right, bye-bye.
Hello, Kramer.
Can you check the copy on Mid-Atlantic?
I think it's okay.
Yes.
Yes, what?
I'll have dinner with you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh, shit!
- I gotta go. - What's the matter?
I gotta go.
- Want me to call a cab? - No, I've got an 8:00 meeting.
- Where you going? - Bathroom.
That's a closet. Bathroom's over there.
Yeah, you're right.
These morons are violating the FTC regulations, and I have to make sure...
Hi.
- What's your name? - I'm Phyllis Bernard.
Who?
I'm a friend, uh, business associate of your father's.
Oh, Jesus.
- Do you like fried chicken? - Fried chicken? Very much.
So do I.
Well, it's really...
It's nice seeing you and...
- Bye. - Bye.
Kramer, I just met your son.
Come on, you're never going to do this if you don't concentrate.
All right, come on. Thattaboy. Get your centre.
Okay? How's it feel?
Good.
Keep it going, keep it going! That's terrific!
Don't stop! Billy, keep your feet moving!
Oh, that's terrific. How do you feel?
- Good! - You look great!
Don't go too far!
- Yeah? - And so the dog really hurt Tom.
So Tom got so mad, he jumped in the potato salad...
...and he pushed over the table.
Yeah?
- Then... - Let me get your shoelace.
Then what happened?
The big dog kept chasing him, then he flipped the table.
- With all the stuff coming down? - Yeah.
Then what happened?
I don't want to be late for school.
Here's your homework. Give me a kiss.
- Hi, Tommy. - Hi.
Taxi!
Hi.
Your babysitter answers, wouldn't say where you were.
Tell me where you were.
Well...
...my French professor finally asked me out.
- When? - The other day.
You had a date.
I knew you were keeping something from me!
- I thought he was a pretty neat guy. - Right.
- So we go to dinner. - Yeah?
I find out he's married.
He's deep in analysis.
- He's telling me his life story... - Wonderful!
...and all I can think of while I sit there...
...is that I'm paying a babysitter $3.25 an hour...
...to listen to his problems.
Daddy! Daddy, look!
- Take that out of your hand. - I'll get him.
Did you hear me?
Hold it, hold it!
It hurts, Daddy.
- Daddy, hurry. - Okay.
- I can't see, Daddy. - Rest your head.
Watch it!
Daddy, please hurry.
- We're almost there. - Can't see in my eye.
Let me see. Where's the emergency room?!
How did this happen?
He fell off the jungle gym.
He had a plane in his hand.
I'm just about through.
- Don't hurt him. - I won't hurt him.
Mr. Kramer, can I talk to you outside?
Yeah. Can she come in?
Margaret, come in.
- Stay, Daddy. - I'll be right back.
- Daddy, stay. - I'm just outside.
It's all right, darling.
I'm just talking to the doctor.
He'll be right back.
I'm right here.
Will he lose his eye?
No, but I have to take some stitches.
How many?
- About 10. - What?
Don't worry. There won't be much of a scar.
This will take about 15 minutes, so step over here.
I want to be in there with him.
- You don't need to be in there. - He's my son.
If you're gonna do something, I'm gonna be with him.
Good boy. You're really brave.
That was a big one.
Stop it.
Okay, we're almost done now. We're almost done now.
How is he?
He's okay. He's sleeping.
It's okay. I can do that.
Ted, I'm so sorry. I feel responsible.
I don't know what happened.
One minute he was there and the next he was lying on the ground.
Come on, Margaret.
Now listen, I want to ask you a favour, okay?
It's a big favour.
If something happened to me... I'm not saying anything will...
...but if a building fell on me...
...would you consider taking care of Billy?
I want you to know that I put some thought into this...
...and I...
...can't think of anybody else I would trust with him.
I know you'd be okay with him because...
...you're a good mother.
You're a lousy dishwasher.
- All right? - Okay.
You're all right.
Louise, you want to get that?
Louise, it's ringing... Yeah, hello.
Yes, who is this?
Joanna.